self-centered fool

So when your tired you feel all the negative feelings,  all the loneliness, the anguish, the despair, the sadness, the depression. Laughing becomes a joke, & the joke is on you. So when you feel all the negative feelings, you will have the worse attitude, you become moody, the smallest things can easily irritate you, you hate the things that doesn’t go your way, you believe that you’re always right & find irrational reasons to show that you’re still right! & even anger makes you weak, irrational & insensitive you still enjoy having that behaviour!, then after all,… these feelings,.. all of these attitudes,… is simply because,….you’re tired.

I became so tired,  i never realized that i became so selfish!!! so selfish that i even hate myself .

According to Mr. Webster selfish means:

  1. too much concerned with one’s own welfare or interests and having little or no concern for others; self-centered
  2. showing or prompted by self-interest

I’ve always thought that whatever my family is going through is my concern, because, they are my family, but i guess im not concern at all.

I think time is such a terrible thing it takes your happiness then leaves you with sad memories. My mother had a stroke, now she cant move half of her body, & it seems as if half of the house suffers the same thing, people who lives inside is as numb as her body is.

Never did I imagined her so weak, fragile & helpless. She was always strong in my eyes, stronger than my father, then in just that,… just like that… we have to assist her whenever she feels like going to the john, we need to help her everytime she eats, we need to remind her about her medicine, we need to be there….. but for my older sister there’s no “WE” its always “THEM”.

You see, my sister & I, we used to be as close as A & B is in the alphabets, we used to go out together, watch movies together, eat together, talk to each other, we bacame so close, so close that i didn’t realize that i had a certain limit with her. And now she thinks dont belong in the so called “WE” with my mother. It hurts that she thinks that way, it hurts more that i didn’t realize that i dont belong in that “WE” society. Maybe because of me not being concern to anyone but myself!, of my selfish acts, the constant sleep overs, the late nights & me not being there all the time, i’m not helping in anyway i’m making thing worse, i think. Now i’ve lost the mother i used to know, & my sister i used to be with.

I’ve lost my tired tires, i’ve lost myself, all i have is a selfish person, that cant even be there, atleast for her family. I hate myself well i never liked myself, i’m always tired with the person within me, the person outside makes me sick so i really hate me. I dont like to point out my key points here its non-sense, i dont want to defend myself either besides my zodiac sign, the astrological rabbit, the stone topaz & the month of november has the same opinion with my sister & mother i am selfish, even the movie in the bus made me realize how selfish i am “those with sweethearts are selfish”.  I have a sweet heart but not “the” sweetheart thing. :P

I’m not just tired, now i’m a bit sick too,.. i’m always like this when life hits more than just a bump, when it drizzle then turn to a storm, when i’m there, almost there ready to give up………i feel sick & tired.

THE NEXT ONE

Sarah, getting ready to hit the notes for forever is not enough

Sarah, getting ready to hit the notes for forever is not enough

I wanted to write something about my work at kung paano sa loob ng isang taon nadadama ko parin na di sya para sa akin,.. ]pero nakakapagod na nga na mismong nangyayari sa akin yung pag usapan pa?!? so yung concert na lang ni sarah hahaha….

P2,625.00 yung halaga ng ticket ko,.. malapit na nga ako sa stage! asenso hahaha,.. dun sa gilid kung saan madalas nakatingin si sarah,.. kasi nandun ang kanyang “infamous popsters!” yihee! naisip ko nga kaya lagi sya nakatingin dun kinakabahan sya at kailangan nya ng lakas ng loob hahaha…anyways umpisahan na natin ang review ko i will try no be not so bias! :D

P1,500 para sa opening! she sang Forever is not enough,.. well yeah i know lagi naman eh pero this time is different una akala ko lilipad na si sarah papuntang stage di na sya lilitaw mula sa ilalim ng stage! hahaha yun pala sa backstage sya lalabas maglalakad mag bo-bow at sabay upo sa tapat ng piano & the crowd!!! parang serena ng bumbero!!! ang lakas!! hahaha……ayon sa book delight means exceeding your expectation at yun delightful ako sa performance ni sarah! husay eh!!! alam mo yun 1000x ko nang nadinig ang FNE sa iba’t ibang paraan sa iba’t ibang pagkakataon pero dito ko lang na-realize na,… trully enough FOREVER IS NOT ENOUGH to describe how sarah rocks my world sa mga oras na yun!!!sinundan nya ng how could you say you love though sana talaga di na nya kinanta ulit ang mga kantang ito lagi na lang kasi sa mga concert nya kasama ito eh pero na-realize ko di mo makikilala ang sarah geronimo kung di mo alam ang kanta na ito!!! back to the basic! hahaha.

P150 sa dance # with the UD4 i was expecting a super prod # with rayver ang lufet ng ”no air” nila sa asap eh kaya expecting talaga ako tapos wala naman pala! ok lang parang wala lang talaga hahaha…. when i grow up is really a song meant for her!hahaha parang sinulat ang song na yun para sa kanya though recycle sya katulad ng that’s not my name i find it more angas in araneta with all the people listening & watching!

P50 para sa HURT harhar di ko kasi alam yung song  & para sa akin typical prod # sya sa asap or guest sa isang event basta! at sa mga nakaka-alam anu ba ang typical prod # ni sarah! most of the time nakikita mo na lang ang sarili mo nakatulala at masasabing yun na yun! sarah lufet! hahaha….hati sila ng ikaw so tag P25 :lol: at middle of the song kasi parang nauna o nahuli si sarah o si sir louie tsaka parang Mall tour lang sya sarahp isagaw na we love you sarah!!! hahaha…….

P200 ikaw ang pangarap,.. pag si jed ang ka-duet mo,.. malamang sa hindi iniisip mo kailangan kong galingan it’s jed! hahaha,.. i mean parang macha-challenge ka coz thi guy really have big voice box inside him! hahaha…. i like the though na may effort sa blending though may some points na parang nangangapa sila sa isa’t isa! (inset: AshLo yihee! :lol: )

P100 sarah billy,.. hay naku isang malaking recycle din ewan ko ba theme yata ng concert ang recycle!!! hahaha mas maganda pa yung 4 minutes sa asap libre pa! hahaha…. though you know si sarah gumagaling na sa pag sayaw & mas makikita mo na ngayon yung edge nya among the others so please dont stop the music!!! so worth na rin yung P100 int’l singer naman si billy eh hahaha…..

P75 for the baler themesong hahaha,… its like super lumang song maybe because of the movie itself luma kasi yung theme & very touching yung song kaya lang yun yung tipo ng song na kailangan mong marinig ng paulit ulit para matanggap ng tenga mo hahhaa….hati din sila ng cebuana dito ko naramdaman na pagod na si sarah,.. bitin yung birit nya eh! mas maganda yung sa asap buong buo talaga yung boses nya dun!

P75 din sa where only angels fly hahaha P25 goes sa mga dancers hahaha galing nila!!husay sa stretching & everything,….kay sarah naman not one of the highlights but i like the song so give it a P50 hehe,… & feeling ko mas solemn ang pagkaka-kanta nya or ako lang yun hahaha….

P75 para sa played at i’ll be there ang ganda ng remix ng played parang pang disco!!! hahaha…. & i like hopw they choreographed the song gusto ko ng malufet na music video hahaha,… i’ll be there is more baduy but cute in a way si sarah kasi papansin hahaha…..

P50 for the avsl part sabi ko na titigan ni jlc si sarah at maghihiyawan ang mga tao! at si sarah keep on saying na nakaka-kanta na sya di naman mapakali sa stage naka isa tuloy si jlc hahaha….. P15 for jlc’s effort to sing hahaha,… though si sarah di parin sanay sa loveteam ek ek (feeling ko lang ha) di pa sya ganun kabihasa sa pagpapakilig yihee!!!! hahaha…. pero ok na rin muntik na akong madala!!! hahaha (bato!) hahahaha…..

P200 for alone!!! ang lufet nya talaga dito one of the best part as in ang astig nung pag talikod nya sabay birit napatayo nga ako eh! hahaha…. at napasigaw na sarahhhhhh!!!!!!!!! hahahaha….. for me walang sinabi si celine (wag kang epal review ko ito eh! ) hahahaha…… i knew naman na she will sing this eh! just didn’t thought it would be so great na ayoko nang maging alone! hahaha “i never really cared umtil i met you!!!”

P100 for i believe i can fly it moved me in a way na nakakatakot din hahaha feeling ko kasi ito yung pinaka pupunahin sa lahat ng perfomance nya (as of this writing wala pa akong nababasang reviews!) at habang kinakanta nya ito with the chorale! parang black performer si sarah! wala lang i like how she moves & sings & groove during the song!! lufet!!! parang kulang sa P100 yung bayad ko may utang pa ako ahhaha….

P15 para sa last song ito ang super recycle talaga as in!!! parang yung 2 weeks na rehearsal di na kayang mag isip pa o mag rehearse pa kaya yun na lang sa iyo na lang husay!!!!!….

may P10 pang natitira para yan kay luis, kc, anne, mark, beth na super supportive kay sarah tag P2 sila hahahaha…. sorry wala nang natira para sa iba may utang pa nga ako sa i believe i can fly eh :lol:

(inset: ang konti ng damit nya ngayon puro shiny shimmering pa tapos yung pang opening nya para syang yung matador hahaha yung nagwawagayway ng pulang bandila sa toro! :lol: at parang mexican insipred ang mga suot nya di nya pinakita ang legs nya,… at feeling ko ang bilis ng show ewan ko ba! hahaha,. pero ang daming tao mas puno sya unlike sgim!! pero mas maganda ang sgim! harhar!!! pero sulit naman ang P2,625 ko may utang pa nga ako di ba! hahaha……sa uulitin sarah kahit pa di maganda ang pag tatapos! alam mo na yun hahahaha)

i want to be complete…. from s to h…

someone told me that my world is so big that it starts with a letter S and ends with a letter H….. guess who that is!… it’s sarah! i was shocked on how she said it like he was saying that other than sarah i dont have nothing! which is quite true! but i dont like the feeling after she said it to me i was like “what are you talking about!?”

the conversation starts by asking asking me if asap will be aired this sunday! and i told her nope it will be pre-empted because of kasal, kasali, kasalo and agent X44, then she said sa 14 wala ring asap? then i answered maybe or maybe it will just be moved on a later slot! and then i said it will be too much if asap will be pre-empted again… and then she asked me why? i answered, coz i haven’t seen sarah yet since the day she came back from her US tour! and then she said something like are you nuts? you always see her everynight and whole day in the computer, isn’t that enough? and i said i mean i haven’t seen her sing live at the asap or whatever! and that’s when she said “ang laki ng mundo mo ah! simula s hanggang h!”

after she said that i felt really bad, it’s like saying you should get a life! ok i admit for months all i know is sarah! but believe me i am trying to get a life other than sarah, i call friends up on the phone but whenever i do that they are not home yet, if i do text them a respond is like a wind in the air you feel them but you cannot see them that’s horrible to me! lovelife is not in my plans right now! if someone comes along they turn into a jerk even before i say yes to date, from the book i read i should stay away from guys like them., so apparently i really dont have a life other than sarah…. that is why i felt so bad last night until this morning, truth really hurts! but i dont complain, i mean it’s sarah, i’d rather go out in the mall to see her than a date with a jerk, i’d rather stay infront of this computer talking with the popsters and get a sound respond than call and text my friend just to find out that they are not there……( but i miss them)

have i told you that being a fan is not easy…. but fun. oh well i just miss sarah, that’s why i asked myself is it wrong to miss sarah? for her to react in that way! coz if it is…. im guilty!

the chronicle of a fan

ok blog muna bago ko gawin ang project ko hehe….. im a self confess sarah fanatic! super to the highest level! lahat ng latest updates alam ko kung hindi man i will hate myself haha… lahat ng posibleng di mo alam tungkol kay sarah malamang sa hindi alam ko like mahilig sya sa aso, nawala ang aso nyang si cho sa lacson street sa may sta cruz! speaking of sta cruz may salon at boutique sya dun! malapit sa UST “POPSTAR SALON AND BOUTIQUE“….. shine, cheng at gab ang nicknames ng mga kapatid nya! sya bebe, bebang, pot, shabs, emeng still counting haha….. kumakain sya ng halo-halo minus the ice! as in sahog lang, minsan syang sumakay ng ride na nakakatakot o nakakaikot ng tyan na ride yung tipong mapapasigaw ka! sa isang amusement park kung lahat sumisigaw dahil sa ride na yun sya hindi tamang nakapikit lang sya bawal sumigaw baka magasgas ang boses hehe…… nakapanuod sya minsan ng concert ni celine dion sa US oha oha! i can give you thousands of infos that you dont know ( except if your an addict!) about this girl but that wiil be another entry haha.

i’ve been a fanatic since 2004 haha 3 yrs na akong humahanga sa taong ito and did you know na more than 4 yrs pa lang si sarah sa business! di pa kasama yung mga penpen de sarapen ang tv days nya. isang taon bogo ko na-realize na avid fan ako! at first kasi in super denial ako! di naman kasi talaga ako mahilig sa artista! lalo na sa mga local acts ang baduy kaya! aasarin pa ako sa school ang uso kaya nun mga britney spears destiny’s child christina aguillera tapos isang sarah geronimo….. who the …. is she hehe…… wushu pero deep inside haha…..  so yun every year lalo akong naho-hook kasi lalo naman syang gumagaling every year………

nung nalaman kong gusto ko talaga sya i start to follow her! sa tv lang syempre di pa ako umaabot sa ganung level noon!, ngayon mo ako tanungin about dyan! haha…. malapit na akong maging stalker ni sarah :lol: going back, ang asap na di ko trip panuorin noon ngayon cant stand to miss one episode unless sarah is not there….. sarah the teen princess awow! di pa ako ganun ka-hook (hirap gamitin ang salitang adik di naman kasi ako adik! :lol: ) kaya marami akong na-miss na episode may klase pa kasi ako sa hapon! pero kapag gusto kong manuod talaga ng STTP walang makakapigil sa akin kahit school…. nag-cut ako ng klase ko dahil sa STTP haha not once but many times haha luckily yung prof ko that time madalas ding absent! oha oha kung ang mga student ngayon di pumapasok sa klase dahil sa computer games ako kay sarah :lol: at alam mo ba na inuulit kong panuorin ang STTP ngayon sa YT kasi nga kahit nag-cut ako ng klase noon may mga na-miss parin akong epi! ni di ko nga alam bakit nandun si alwyn wahaha… sa album you name it meron ako nyan from popstar a dream come true to sweet 16 na nag shift sa the other side of sarah na napunta sa bituing walang ning ning OST na nag take flight sa taking flight nya actually kulang pa yan eh wala pa ako nung can this be love OST, sing along with sarah, nung 1st year college ako meron akong gustong gusto na bilhin na album nya along with the other champs yung night of the champions live CD, hinahanap ko ngayon yun wala na akong makita! magazines! medyo kulang ako nito eh kasi naman wala akong budget nyan dati eh ngayon meron na! :P sa dyaryo di masyado nababasa ko naman sa site eh haha unless meron din syang article sa phil star dekwatin ko na lang yung nandito sa office :P paminsan-minsan sa tabloid at niiipon ko yan haha sabi ng ate ko sa akin anu yan collection? haha oo bakit?…. wala lang akong time asikasuhin ang scrap book ko! hehe…..

at kung anu reaction ng family ko? …………………….. wala lang haha minsan nasisita ako pero i think they got used to me na rin haha… dati kasi halos araw araw akong nagpapatugtug ng CD ni sarah! bago ako pumasok sa school! sabi ng mama ko sa akin anu ba yan kabisado ko na lahat ng kanta ni sarah! ang ingay ingay puro na lang sarah! haha that’s when i realized na im being to insensitive! na ako lang ang hook kay sarah! na ako lang! kaya since then bihira na lang akong magpatugtug as per request na lang ng pamangkin ko…. hahaha kaya napa bili ako noon ng mp3 na puro sarah lang talaga ang laman kaya nasira yun eh wala nang ibang alam tugtugin :lol: ngayon computer ko naman hahahaha…… sa mga fwends ko naman wag na wag silang magkaka mali na i-compare si sarah sa ibang singers lalo na kay shin dahil dadanak ang dugo! haha…. charus i do take naman criticisms pero di mo maiaalis sa akin ang ipagtanggol yung tao automatic na yan kung talagang nagkamali si sarah, halimbawa sa pagkanta may reasons yan as in ang daming reasons hanggang makalusot at matanggap nila na ganun talaga si sarah yun eh :lol: pero minsan talaga may masasakit na comments lalo na kung galing sa ibang tao at di sa adik! :P

being a fan madami na akong na-experince at nadama it’s quite hard pero masaya rin naman! there’s this instance na may # si sarah sa asap and kasabay ko manuod ang ate ko (lagi kami ang magka jamming sa tv every sunday haha!) may comment sya na talagang tumatak sa akin haha! here it goes “anu ba yan si sarah! ang boring naman magperform nyan!” ouch! it hurts! masakit talaga! as in yung ilang araw kong dinamdam yun! haha napaka simple ng comment nyang yun pero ewan ko ba! talagang tinamaan ako eh since then lahat na ng side comments nya masakit! seryoso, i admit i am very sensitive when it come to sarah! as in! ayoko na nasisita ako na tigilan mo na si sarah! ayokong pinagsasabihan ako tapos sabay segway about sarah when in fact walang connect si sarah sa ginawa ko! it really annoys me super! ok lang kung mga war freak addict ang mag sabi at mag bigay ng comment ng ganun! kasi yun sarado na ang mga isip nila na ayaw nila si sarah… kahit pa napaka ganda ng performance ni sarah pangit parin! what hurts the most is the people close to you but dont know how sensitive you are! pero as i have said i take criticisms! so yung sa ate ko at sa iba pang nakakakilala sa akin na di adik kay sarah na mas maraming side comments, carry lang! it’s all part of the biggest journey of my life as a fan!

ayan mega kwento ako about me being a fan madami pa yan kaya lang kasi nga ang haba haba na nito! parang nobela na ang ginagawa ko! haha….. i’ll post na lang another entry about this as for now eto muna! hehe…… parang ang dami ko nang utang na entry! hehe…